


oh

by andromeda84



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Rape/Non-con, Sexual Fantasy, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:40:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26698399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromeda84/pseuds/andromeda84
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

by now, recognizing the signs is easy, I know what actions and words and thoughts and wants mean, if it'll be anorexia or bulimia or simple over-eating

(anorexia, it's anorexia now, it will be)

  
third wave is different, it always feel different-

(death, it feels like death,

funny, considering I try killing myself in the third wave-

I found old painkillers and allergy pills, what would happen if I mix it with alcohol?

scissors, knife, I could try it with pills now-

pills, drowning, choking, again with a knife)

(broken, it feels like I'm completely broken-

sad thing is, there's still a spark of fight in me, but by now, I know it won't help)

  
if I told you I love you, handsome, would you leave?

(if it's a lie or the truth, does it matter?)

would it make you leave?

(I don't want to end this, it's just another sign, I can be better than this, tell me what to do to keep you, I don't want you gone, please don't let me ruin this, tell me when to stop and want to do, I promise you I can listen, just _tell_ me, fucking tell me, I'll listen)

(I say it as I believe I deserve it, and well, progress I made is easily gone)

  
broken little girl crying over everything

crying over what she believes was rape

crying over her ugly body

crying over the depressed boy she likes

crying over _nothing_ and _everything_

  
(if I start cutting, what would you say?)

  
your voice is hot, especially your bed voice, I'm never going to let you forget that, I don't care how annoying you find me be

it's cute, you keep talking and talking, I couldn't stop smiling

  
(you told me to never call you again, remember?

besides, I read this book, my aunt gave it to me, and you're supposed to call me, you are supposed to text me first-

why didn't _you_ call _me_ , huh? you've had my number for as long as I had yours, why didn't you call-

also, did you forget that I struggle with social anxiety? phone calls are hell and I need time to prepare topics and shit, I'm a bad conversationalist)

  
eating is a choice, you said once

yes, so is deciding how much or how little I eat

 _eating is a choice_ , oh fuck you, there's not much choice when eating makes you puke and when not eating makes you a living dead-

I'd rather lose control and text you, than puke or starve or overeat

I'm not proud of it, and I really am sorry

  
I wanna puke everything I ever ate, I wanna stab myself in the stomach and never eat anything again

I wanna kiss your neck and jaw, I wanna lick your chest and down your abdomen, I wanna scratch your back while you fuck me, I wanna drag my finger along the line of your nose, I wanna straddle you and kiss you until you forget how to breathe

I wanna scream and I wanna die and I want all this gone

(holy shit,how many shit to do it takes to actually get an appointment? fucking, like, hell no am I doing it, my mother will find out, I don't want to deal with her)

  
is it weird that I'm kind of happy for my rapist?

I don't want to kill him anymore, I don't want to see his face or feel his touch, I don't want to hurt him much anymore, and I'm happy he's happy

could it be called progress? in some way, it kind of is, I think

  
I masturbated so much, holy shit, how much can one person be horny?

my allergies are killing me, I can't fucking breath, and I don't have allergy pills anymore, old ones aren't reliable, and they make me fat (they increase your appetite, apparently, which makes sense for the weight gain in Germany, I ate so much there)

talking about food, that's a sign too, one of the biggest ones

all my motivation and inspiration for writing is gone again

I want to do something bad to my hair (but changing it to black or blonde, I know I'm going to regret it)

_Dear boyfriend, dear friend, dear stranger, dear anyone,_   
_fuck me, burn me, hit me, rape me, choke me, kill me, take me away from this, make me forget everything about myself, save me_

(choke on your own sobs, it hurts so much, a silent scream, losing your mind, your actions are all yours, there's no witch, you're the one who is talking and doing it, face yourself and deal with consequences)


	2. Chapter 2

_we're kissing, your fingers are tangled in my hair, your hand slips down, to cradle my head and I touch your hand with mine and lead it to wrap around my neck, nodding that it's okay_

_I like how gentle you choke me in it_

_kissing, feeling the taste of your tongue, I like how it feels kissing you_

_I kiss the line of your jaw, your neck, I leave a lot of bite marks_

_I leave small kisses all over your face_

_I touch your nose with mine, you know that cute thing? it makes you smile_

_I trail the line of your nose with my finger, and you mock my nose fetish_

_I help you take off your shirt, and I pull you into a kiss before trailing kisses down your chest, I like licking your abdomen_

_my hand around your dick, you moan and I smirk, I like how your dick feels in my mouth, you hold my hair as I blow you, you cum into my mouth and I really like how you sound while cumming_

_I really like how you kiss_

_your hands feel really nice, cupping my boobs, around my hips_

_our fingers are interlaced while we fuck, that's pretty sweet_

_your lips are nice, I like the feel of them on my body_

_you eat me out and I grab your hair, you make me scream in pleasure_

_(I like imagining that, when I'm touching myself)_

_I pull you into a kiss after I come_

_I lead your hand with mine down to my panties, I show you how to make me wet and what makes me cum, your fingers feel good, way better than mine_

  
_sometimes you're on top, sometimes I am-_

_you're on top, and you ask if I'm sure and I nod, pulling you into a kiss as you go slowly, our fingers interlaced_

_uhm, it hurts, but I don't want you to stop, I scratch your back-_

_you make me come first, and you follow soon after-_

_we're both breathless-_

_I'm on top, I riding you, I come first, our hands interlaced, and you follow and I kiss you, before lying beside you_

  
_you're a nice kisser, I like imagining it, I like how it makes me feel_

* * *

_fuck me, kill me, save me, leave me, hurt me_   
_you can do four of those things_

_(if I get my own place, you could come, in theory)_

_fuck me, come to my country, I'll pay for your trip, just come and fuck me and kiss me_

_kill me, choke me to death or use a knife to stab in the stomach, kill me_

_save me, you can't do that, you can't save me from eating disorders or my trauma or depression or from suicide_

_leave me, end this, tell me to never talk to you again, order me_

_hurt me, emotionally, physically, I'd prefer physically_

* * *

  
_fuck me, kiss me, I want to know how your tongue tastes, how your kisses feel, I want to see what you look like while cumming, I want to know how your touch would feel_


	3. Chapter 3

I want to die

(I think I'm going to choke myself this time, I already found with what-  
it's not a threat, it's just...)

I wanna die

I wanna puke everything I ever ate

I don't want to watch myself in the mirror ever again, I don't want to see my body ever again, I don't want to live as myself, in my body anymore

(I'm thinking of going to fucking surgeries-  
nose, boobs, ass, so many things I hate about myself)

god, I hate myself so much

I loathe my body, my personality, my voice, my hair-

I hate it, I want it gone

I want to be so thin I can see my bones and then maybe I will like what I see in the mirror  
maybe I would be pretty, maybe I would be a better person, maybe I would be smarter, maybe boys would like me, maybe you would like me more, maybe my parents would stop, maybe I would be happier

(that's not how it goes, but it's nice to think about it)

fifty-seven kilograms, that's how much I weight

I was fifty-three when I came to Germany

I want to go down to forty-five

  
hurt me, burn me, choke me, slap me, beat me, kill me

someone please kill me

(save me, someone please save me, I can't, please)

I wanna puke, I wanna eat so much that I puke it all out,

I want to starve until I die

I want to die, choke myself as I watch myself in the mirror, maybe I'd finally look pretty

( _ **stupid ugly disgusting fat abusive selfish failure pathetic**_

bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

who doesn't deserve to live, you have nothing to live for, just die already)

(I probably won't be able to do it this time either, because I'm such a failure that I try killing myself three times and fail all three, god, so fucking pathetic)


	4. Chapter 4

god, I always forget how many tears I cry after we talk

phone sex or cam sex, like it would make a difference, like it makes a fucking difference what happens, you'd get pissy and wouldn't like and I would be left crying

(does it matter if we masturbate? no, it happens anyway)

I almost retched while talking to you

(take a mint, focus on the taste, you'll forget about the food making your belly fat, it'll stop you from crying)

_(thank god it's anorexia now, isn't it? if it was bulimia, you'd actually retch)_

but hey, your dick is nice, you're handsome, I like your voice, as if you care about anything I have to say

(keep babbling, you stupid bitch)

numb, empty, sad, kill me, I'm bored, I have nothing to get out of bed for

(despite how many times you say it, it doesn't hurt less to hear it, it doesn't make me cry less)

_how much of a hypocrite are you, you stupid, ugly bitch?_

at least I had some sense not to turn camera on

(why would I?

you don't like how I look, what is there to look at then?)

(is it a lesson I learned or is it just a way of not letting you be what triggers me into a hard-on restricting mode?)

I thought you'd end the call after like, ten minutes-

hoping, better said

Why do you keep doing? I don't get it, you know you don't like it, you won't ever like it, you don't even like me (and I'm starting to think I don't like you as much I believe I do).

You're bored? Go jerk off to Hope's pictures then. Draw. Take a walk.

Why do you go to me? You know I'm boring, you know I'm stupid, you know phone/cam sex won't be good, you know you'll be even more bored. I just really don't get it.

(and I'm fine with being your "friend with benefits", because I think we classify as such? I'm perfectly fine being used four times a year for phone sex and sending you nudes. I'm fine with it if you would actually be into it. But you're not. Do you have any idea how shitty that feels? I'm willing and ready to do anything, whatever you want me to, and from what I've been told, any guy would want that, but you don't and I feel shitty about myself already without your pathetic pretty ass)


End file.
